It is 2014. In my hand I hold an iPhone 5c (does that stand for colour or what? If it does, what does the s stand for on a 5s? Who makes up this crap?) In the settings I have activated iMessage, rendering it possible for anyone else with an iPhone, the necessary awareness of what iMessage is and how to switch it on (exactly what ARE the rest of you doing?) and a wifi/internet connection, to text me for free. In the selection of apps downloaded from the App Store and filed into folders by type (obviously) are Whatsapp, Viber and Facebook Messenger.
I have an emoticon keyboard. Occasionally my sister and I will have short conversations where we communicate only in small cartoon pictures and tiny yellow faces. I find this entirely acceptable. I am yet to download Snapchat because 1) I don't really understand the point of it and 2) I'm 34 years old and I don't think I feature in their target market.
My mailbox (checked incessantly) holds email from six different email accounts that I use across my business and personal life.
Despite all this, there are some people in the world who still seem to want to TALK to me on the phone.
Can you just... not.
I don't like talking on the phone. I don't have enough time to think of the witty retorts that I have time to think of while texting. I'm much funnier on text. I like words. I like the way they look. Sometimes I watch TV programmes in English but switch the subtitles on as well so I can read what they're saying. No, I don't know why. I'm special.
I also interrupt people all the time when I'm talking thereby not really taking in what they've actually said and so retaining little to no content of our conversation. This is a family trait and therefore clearly not my fault..
I need reference points of information that I can come back to again. No, I don't want you to describe to me how to get to where we're meeting because the word bubbles that you're producing will just hang in the air on your end of the phone and then burst and I will have no idea what you said. Yes, I would much prefer you to google a map for me and then send me the link because that is data that I can actually do something with and if you want to meet up at all (which you won't anymore because of this post) then the chances of me finding your chosen venue are vastly improved if I have visuals.
Likewise please stop calling me because I also have less time to think up excuses when you ask me to do something I don't really want to do and because I'm too nice I say yes instead of no and then regret it afterwards. Frankly I'm probably going to text you later to say why I can't come along anyway so it was a pointless conversation and also can you just stop it and text me instead? Thanks then.
Please note if you are a member of my immediate family or have known me for longer than 10 years you are at liberty to ignore this post entirely.